Having More Children- A Confession

I am tired of everyone asking if we’re going to have more kids and I am tired of giving only half the truth when I reply.  So, here is as honest as I can be about having more kids.  I want more kids but I’m scared to death to venture down that road.  There, I said it… I want more. I want more. I want more.

I’m afraid because I’ve been pregnant 4 times and have two beautiful daughters…  a 50% success rate.  That is scary.  I’m also not the  girl whose husband looks at her and BAM! I’m pregnant.  That is also scary.  How long will it take?  Why isn’t it happening?  These are questions that will seriously stress me out.  Let’s not even go down the road of when I am pregnant and constantly wondering if the baby has died.

For the most part I stay guarded and say that I’m letting God handle the matter.  This is the truth of course b/c he has a plan and I have little, if any, say in it at all.  But it is also not the whole answer because I definitely have a preference…but am somewhat confused on a time-line (if I could choose the timing).  I’d like to be pregnant right now but I also realize that anxiety comes right along with the good news.  Brett wisely says that the anxiety will be there now, next month, and even next year.  The decision  of “when” isn’t the real problem.  It’s the anxiety.  My friends say I should get counseling to deal with this.  I’m not ready to commit to that before I actually become pregnant because what if I never am pregnant again??!!!

My prayers are for peace and contentment in having two children.  If this is all I feel  (peace that is) then I will only be surprised if I get pregnant.  Sounds great huh? 

A final comment:  Thanks for dealing with my insanity.

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