waiting for bell’s palsy. introspection

I feel like I can’t fully inhale.  It’s maddening because I know life is so much more complicated then this, especially in light of all the terrible things that have just happened in CT. This is a small thing that’s happening to me. But still, I can’t fully inhale.  I’m waiting. Waiting for my face – half of it- to become paralyzed.

I was diagnosed with the onset of Bell’s Palsy this morning. I’m on medications (steroids and antiviral) and hoping that this early intervention will do the trick. That there will be little to no paralysis in my face. But my face tingles on my right side, like the awakening of Novocaine, and I know that it is coming… an indefinite length of time when I wont’ be able to blink, eat, drink, speak, or even kiss my little ones like “normal”.

I’ve watched my sister in law go through a horrible case of BP just last year- almost exactly.  She’s still recovering.  I know it’swaiting going to get worse before it gets better but I’m hoping, with great big HOPE, that the diagnosis is wrong.  I’m grateful that I have her, her love, her experience, and her knowledge on what’s about to happen.  But I hate the waiting.

I find myself constantly blinking and squishing my cheeks up just to  make sure I can still move them.  Like if I do it enough, I’ll be able to prevent the nerve damage.  It already feels stiff to move my cheek.

I’m sure if I’m completely honest, that my vanity is at the source of some/much of the anxiety.  I know that my outward appearance isn’t who I am and that it’s just a piece of me. At the same time,  I’ve seen her struggle (my sister in law) with the whole thing- and the vanity thing seems to be the least of it- so that should be comforting right? convince me. comfort me.or does it falls on deaf ears because I’m waiting.  and my heart beats just a little bit faster in anticipation.

But maybe it’s because our family seems to be constantly stricken with health issues.  Maybe part of me thinks that Bell’s Palsy is just too easy.  Maybe I think it’s a lot worse.  maybe.

Tomorrow is a new day.

I’m called to not worry. So I’m going to try to send them up (my worries) to the Big Man (no, not Santa) and let his peace fill me up surpassing anything I could conceive.

going to  pray now.



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