sometimes…

Stay at home? Homeschool?  As I answer yes to both these I also find myself adding on a “and lonely”.  How is it possible that I could be lonely with 4 kids running around and homeschooling added to the job? But I find myself staring out the window or looking into my coffee mug and missing adult conversation- even those I had with random strangers while I ran errands.  Now that I’m homeschooling I have less freedom to get out of the house (primarily because the two littles make educational field trips or even educational errands much more of a challenge to be called ‘school’.  Add the winter season and I’m practically a shut-in).

I find myself posting photos to Facebook of our school projects and happenings.  And it’s not because I want to boast or brag or anything remotely related to those words.  I do it because I want people to know that ‘I’m here’.  We’re here.  I’m working hard to make a difference and I just need to feel like someone out there can hear me.

The times that I feel the most like this (lonely) are when I’m not in the Word enough.  When my relationship with God has been more one sided (as in, He’s waiting for me and I’m telling him I’ll call him later).  I’ve been at home many Sundays with sick kids.  I’ve opened my bible far too few times these past winter months.  I’ve been telling Him I’ll call Him back.

But my sweet kids remind me of the many blessings He’s bestowed.  Our eldest in particular has a wild imagination.  She’s going to be a million things when she grows up.  I know for sure she’ll be kind, strong, deeply rooted in Christ, compassionate, smart as a whip, and profoundly concerned for the social justice of the world.  But if you ask her- she’ll tell you she’s going to be a missionary AND xyz.  I say xyz because she can’t possibly decide with the limitless possibilities out there.  At 9 years old, she still dresses up and ‘tries on’ the job…today she tried on -soldier (as in Blue Coat),- coal miner, -astronaut (but couldn’t quite get all the gear so she called herself a ‘biker’), and chef.

Pictures

She was our deepest prayer as a young married couple.  She is our gift.  And she, along with her brother and sisters, is my greatest reminder that God loves me and I’m not alone.  Today, I’m full of life (and love) with the richness of 4 kiddos and a great husband who keep me on my toes and busy, busy,  busy.

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4 thoughts on “sometimes…

  1. dear Lori,

    thank you so much for this beautiful note from your heart. i was so moved by your transparency. i really feel that i hear it – the shut in part – especially as our kids were sick for what seemed like 2 months! i am trying to get back in to the Word and communion with Jesus – i know that is the only way to abide during this time (which to me means “fully live”). i am really excited for Lent to begin (tomorrow is Ash Wednesday) because i am going to follow an NT Wright devo on Lent. i want to prepare for Easter, as the whole Church will do this next 40 days. i want to intentionally seek out the heart of the One who walked the road to the Cross. so just know that i hear you and will keep you in my prayers. four kids is a lot – but each day it is rich, abundant – isn’t it?

    love Esther

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