Motherhood. Making the Decision to Be a Mom. My Journey with Infertility and Miscarriage

Mothers DayIf I’m Living Out Loud, like the blog title says, and sharing a large part of what I’m learning about parenting and mothering, I better share a bit of how I arrived as a mother of 4.  I will likely make this a series of postings and try to post them at the beginning of the week for the next month.  We’ll walk the  road of maternal desire, waiting, infertility, miscarriages, pregnancy and the arrival of the season of mothering.

My desire to be a mother started at an early age.  I was dreaming of being a mommy my whole life really.  I became a teacher in part because it was a job that would help prepare me for my ultimate career choice.  I married young, at 22 years old, to my husband of now 14 years, and thought we’d start trying a few years after tying the knot.  It was all figured out.  Marry at 22.  Get pregnant at 25 and have a baby.  Have baby #2 at 27.  And have the perfect family of 4.

It didn’t quite go like that.  Our decision to start a family didn’t make it so.  It wasn’t enough to decide.  And I could not remotely relate to the many friends who said things like:

  • we’re not really trying but we’re not really preventing
  • we not preventing but I’m in no rush
  • we’re trying but I figure it’ll take about 6 months so no big deal
  • we’re trying but I figured it’d take about 6 months and wow, it happened right away.
  • I wasn’t even trying and it happened

Every month my heart broke.  The “we’re not trying but we’re not preventing” comments I heard were like  Latin to me.  The minute we decided we were ready, I WAS SOOOO READY.  A few months passed and I wasn’t pregnant so I read and researched about all things trying to conceive (TTC).  I invested in a basal body thermometer.  I charted my cycle and my temps.  I lifted my legs in the air (like a crazy person) hoping those little swimmers would make it to their destination with resounding success.  I took ovulation tests.  I prayed.  I prayed hard.  I prayed really really hard.

Umm, God? Can you hear me… I  decided and we’re ready.

negative pregnancy testMy friends had decided.  And in no time their dreams became reality.  I decided too.  But worry filled my dreams instead…I was not pregnant.

I’m a control freak and I had absolutely no control over this.  It drove me mad.  Thankfully, all the praying I had done did give me ears to hear.  And the message I heard was to wait.  Do nothing.  Be faithful.  Wait.

And it was hard.

So I waited for about 3 more months.  That might not seem long but to someone who has counted every day, was taking her temperature everyday, and doing all things pro TTC for months already, it seemed so long.  But I stopped waiting when I had ears to hear once more.

I was on my way home from work one day and I can remember the exact spot on the road I heard His message**.  It was very loud.  I specifically heard “Call a specialist now.  You’ve been faithfully waiting and now it’s time to call for help.”              God  ** I have never since heard such a clear and internally audible message.

So I called when arriving home– and my world changed…very slowly.

To Be Continued…

More posts this week on:

  1. Spring Cleaning: quick, cheap, super effective cleaning tips for the busy mom (VINEGAR is your FRIEND)
  2. Up Cycling
  3. Motherhood Escape (internet, TV, reading, pills, etc.-) Ch. 7 of our Book Talk [Desperate, hope for the mom who needs to breathe]

Next week on The Motherhood Decision (my journey with infertility): Going to the RE and infertility. Needing help to start a family doesn’t make you a failure as a woman.

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8 thoughts on “Motherhood. Making the Decision to Be a Mom. My Journey with Infertility and Miscarriage

  1. It’s hard when things don’t work out the way we think it should. It’s hard to trust that God’s plan is always best. It’s hard to put yourself out there and share your struggles. Thank you for your honest post.

  2. Pingback: (going to the specialist)The Decision to Mother: My Story with Infertility , Miscarriage, and Motherhood. | Living Out Loud

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