I left off in this story, crying and wondering how the mechanics of making a baby could be so complicated. And truth be told, the mechanics were not the only struggle I had on the decision to mother. The emotion and desire to be a mother led me to a place in my head I could not escape.
It was well passed a year into TTC, seeing a specialist, testing, waiting for surgery, surgery and now it seemed that everywhere I looked I saw baby bumps, families, nursing mothers, baby clothes, strollers and nifty gear that I dreamed of owning, nursery themes, adorable baby names— you name it– they were ever present it seemed. –don’t go to the mall! it’s the worst offender…
my heart really ached
I struggled with the fact that I had great joy in my heart for my dear friend or sister coupled with great sadness that I had no idea when the day might come that I would be joyfully celebrating my own bundle. Then, there were the questions that got asked by random people– when will you have a baby? do you have any kids? And on the off chance that there were a few people knew my situation the comments of sympathy were given but only reminded me that I had something to be sympathized. Baby Showers were reminders that I was still barren.
Anger and Control
Others had decided when to get pregnant- and they did. Successfully. Since this was not the Mister’s and my experience I became angry. I probably fit the perfect textbook case on stages of ‘whatever’… if there is a stage of infertility grief. But I was very angry that it didn’t work for me like it worked for others.
As we go through tough times though, our prayers become more fervent. I prayed through the anger because I knew what was on the other side of anger and none of it was good. Sometimes we learn through these times of focused prayer. Sometimes we grow. Sometimes we allow ourselves to be changed.
I learned a bit more about my young, twenty-something self. I had control issues and creation was completely out of my control. I learned that being a participant in creation was a blessing, not a right; and that being a participant was my hope.
What Did We Decide to Do?
We really struggled with jumping right into IUI’s (artificial inseminations & the only option give to us by the RE). Regardless of the success rate, our hearts just wanted more involvement and we were willing to wait a bit longer. We opted for Clomid (follicle stimulating medication), Ovidrel (ovulation inducing medicine–it’s a shot), and ultrasound monitoring (checking on the size of the follicle & uterine lining). Then the rest of baby making was up to us.
We advocated for our hearts’ desire and passed on the IUI. I had to ask for other options and seek other alternatives. All it took was a few minutes of the doctor’s time and she was happy to answer anything (but this was not information she offered until I spoke up). I find when I talk with women at this stage in the decision to mother that they don’t realize they can advocate for themselves like this. The dr. wasn’t wrong but neither was I. You just need to know that you have a choice (though I know in some extreme infertility cases there may be absolutes).
To Be Continued…
This is a series of postings and can be viewed from the beginning here. I post The Decision to Mother story at the start of each week with hopes that by sharing my story others won’t feel alone and at times,will feel encouraged. Please check back next Monday or Tuesday or follow along by subscribing to my blog via the link on the sidebar.
Next week on The Decision to Mother: Our first trial with Clomid; pregnancy and loss
original maternity photography by Libby Portraits with edits for the purposes of this posting