join the movement. Part TWO of {when you’re fertile myrtle but your friend is waiting wendy. how to care for your friend who is walking the road of infertility, miscarriage and adoption} National Infertility Awareness Week

amber and loriToday is another wonderful opportunity for me to co-author a posting with my good friend Amber @ Bumbers Bumblings.  Amber and I have known each other for 10 years now and walked alongside each other during infertility and the grief of miscarriage.  She’s got the greatest story and I hope you check it out when you’re done reading more on how to care for your friend who’s waiting [for their sweet baby].

At the beginning of the week we shared our thoughts on how to care for your waiting friend with advice on what not to say and what not to do while they are TTC or facing infertility.  Today we wanted to share about miscarriage and adoption.

infertility miscarriage adoptionMiscarriage

(written by Lori)

I’d like to just mention that regardless of your time TTC, the loss of a baby due to miscarriage is experienced differently for everyone.  I’ve known people who suffered little.  I, myself, suffered with depression and even dealt with things like lactation.  I needed to be loved differently every day.  I needed people who understood what I went through –and it didn’t matter if they were a stranger.  The emotional connection to someone who understood a miscarriage personally, gave me more comfort than my closest friends who didn’t know the feelings I held. With all that said, here’s my list of things to avoid saying or doing when you’re trying to care for someone who has experienced a miscarriage.

Avoid saying or doing:

  • “There was something wrong with the baby and this is God’s way of healing the child. This is really a blessing in the end.” All true words, and I totally agree, but not helpful during a miscarriage.  At the time, your friend would take her chances to hold that sweet baby.  No.matter.what.   Logic is not something she’s embracing at the time.  Be sensitive to the fact that rationality will win you no comfort.
  • Send flowers. As in do NOT send flowers.  Flowers die and it may be a reminder of the loss.  Send a fruit basket instead.
  • “Now you know you can get pregnant.”   Since so many people said that to me (including the doctor) I feel like I need to spell this out.  Yes, it’s a relief to know you can get pregnant but woo hoo, let’s have a party, I lost this one but no worries I can just try again. ??? .no.  It’s devastating because the minute the test turned pink your friend had a dream.  It involved a family, celebrating Thankgiving, going to sporting events and piano concerts.  It involved prom and dating, college and weddings.  And now, it’s over.  That dream isn’t wiped away with “you can get pregnant again”.  Try saying- “my heart breaks for you.” and leave it with a hug.
  • “How far along were you?”  this does play somewhat of a factor for some women.  The few people I know who didn’t suffer from great heart ache when they miscarried, lost their baby very early on.  They also shared that they hadn’t had much time to connect and attach to ‘the dream’ of the child.  But for me my dream started right away and it absolutely didn’t matter how far along I was.  To me, life began at conception and my dream for that life took hold at the exact same time.  If your friend is hurting, chances are she too had a future envisioned and you should avoid asking “how far along were you?” because it doesn’t matter in the slightest.  It serves your curiosity but will not serve your friend.

Adoption

(written by Amber)

1. “How much did he/she cost?” Most adoption is very expensive. It takes a simple google search to find out approximately how much a certain type of adoption is if you are very curious about adoption yourself. To say this in front of a child could be very damaging.

2. “Now that you adopted, you know you will end up pregnant” There are actually very few instances of this. Yes, we all know someone this happened to, but I know way more people who have never been able to conceive after adopting. This was not in any way a motivator in our adoption.

3. Asking any questions about their “real parents”. I am, in fact, very real. Pinch me; I’m not a figment of their imagination. Please avoid asking questions about their biological or birth parents in front of children. If you are a close friend and are genuinely interested, ask the question when the child is not present and do not be offended if the adoptive parent chooses not to discuss it with you.

4. Your child is so “lucky” or “blessed” or any derivative of that. We are the blessed ones to be given the amazing opportunity to raise this child.

5. “I could never give away my baby”. No, you probably couldn’t. It takes a very special person to be able to give up their dream of raising their own child to make an “adoption plan” and choose a life for their child that they can’t possibly give them right now. I hope it’s a choice you will never have to make. The proper terminology is, “made an adoption plan” or “placed for adoption”.

6. Don’t be afraid to ask genuine sensitive questions. Adoptive parents don’t expect everyone to always say the right thing. We are in different worlds and have different sensitivities. We deal with crazy questions all the time. If you think you may have said something offensive, a simple “hey, I’m sorry if I crossed the line with that question” will suffice. Don’t beat yourself up about it and consider it a learning experience for future interaction with adoptive parents.

We hope this was helpful.

We love our comments and appreciate your feedback.  We also understand that everyone feels differently and only intend to express our thoughts based on our personal experiences.  If you’d like to add more insight feel free to add helpful comments below.

lori and amber

I share a bit of my infertility story each week with the hope of walking alongside those who are currently struggling.  If my story can be of some comfort or help, or I can answer any questions feel free to contact me.  You can read my story from the beginning by clicking the infertility story tab at the top. You can also subscribe to this blog via the sidebar link and receive email updates when new posts are available. You can read about Amber’s Adoption Story by clicking here.

NIAWThe Decision to Mother Infertility, miscarriage,and motherhood story

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6 thoughts on “join the movement. Part TWO of {when you’re fertile myrtle but your friend is waiting wendy. how to care for your friend who is walking the road of infertility, miscarriage and adoption} National Infertility Awareness Week

  1. kłam rozpowszechnionemu przekonaniu, niby nie uznali choćby minimalnego Mamie ludzkiego języka.

    Odważny rycerz, poskramiacz smoków uśmiechnął się melancholijnie do młodej kramarki,
    która, nie mając kwia.

  2. What an excellent post. Having experienced miscarriage myself, I have certainly heard all sorts of offensive comments from people who are trying to be helpful. Thank you for giving out this much needed guidance. I think that sometimes, that’s all it takes.

  3. Pingback: {Infertility and Adoption Etiquette}. what to say to help your waiting friend | Living Out Loud

  4. enda głosiła, wkurzywszy się
    okropnie, samodzielnie wielki kamień alcantarillado (Boyce) naokoło kościoła trzykrotnie przetoczył.
    Formalnie, duże to miasto, pomyślał sir Roger, po tym jak
    takich herosów nadziać się tu można.

  5. opuszczały pieczary, przeciągały się z chrzęstem pancerza, rozkładały zdrętwiałe shrills (Jolie) odkąd snu ramiona.

    Ów jest bez ryzyka
    przyzwyczajony, iż o tejże porze pojawia się danie,
    nikt wyważony nie.

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