I know I’m a little late this week with my infertility story (The Decision to Mother) but I just had to get in the book club book (Desperate) PLUS I’ve just started “eating through the rainbow” with the kiddos this week and that has taken up a lot more time and effort than I thought! (I hope to share about eating through the rainbow on the blog too).
Well, I’m going to skip ahead in the story about 2 years for the most part. But the quick story of that time period includes a successful pregnancy and birth, adjusting to motherhood and figuring out how that changed me, becoming a stay at home mom, celebrating a 1 year birthday, trying again- for about 3 months and then going to the reproductive endocrinologist for a little clomid help. This time I went through two cycles of clomid at 100 mg plus boosts (of progesterone) and achieved a pregnancy. Two sacs were found but by 7 weeks only one was left. We were having another girl and besides my emotional worry, everything went well.
One year later
I found my self pregnant. Randomly. Spontaneously pregnant (that’s what the professionals call it). Let’s just PAUSE for a moment here… spontaneous pregnancy to someone who is having fertility issues is hilarious- there is almost nothing SPONTANEOUS about it!- okay, I’m just laughing out loud now…
How did I feel? You might imagine I was insanely happy. I felt like all my dreams had just been given to me. No hard work, no real planning for this, just an “oh, I missed my period. better take a test” kinda thing (like it was supposed to be). I felt God smiling down on me.
But during my 11th week of pregnancy, I woke up crampy and when I got up from the sofa, my water broke. Yes, it’s entirely possible for that to happen. I went into a kind of shock. Zero emotion surfaced. I robotically sent my kids to a friends house and met my husband at the hospital.
The confirmation that there was no heart beat was like announcing the sky was cloudy. It was just words. I heard them. I discarded them. But the clouds started to make a home right there in my heart that day. I absolutely couldn’t escape postpartum depression. That’s what my doctor called it. He said, hormonally 3 months might as well be 9 months and I was in the depths of postpartum depression just a week or so later.
I seriously felt like I was crazy. I had 2 beautiful children. I had healthy children. This baby was not healthy (45X, Turners Syndrome) and that should have given me comfort enough to know that the child was spared a life of hardship. But I cried at the simplest hello and how are you inquiry. I didn’t care about eating or socializing. I rarely smiled. But then I had days that were good and I thought I could pray it away. That God would walk me right out of the clouds. But it didn’t just happen like that. I didn’t just walk right out of the clouds and my OB didn’t want to give me medication with out me seeking therapy. So I lingered in the clouds for way too long.
I was able to fake a smile and fool most people. I think women should have a closet full of Oscar Awards, don’t you? Who really wants to complain? And when it makes no real sense in your own mind, why would you share your crazy with someone else? I suffered silently until one day I just started crying in the middle of a Sunday sermon. I hadn’t even heard a word that was said. I just started crying. I grabbed my sister in law (my mister was teaching Sunday school) and I sobbed on her shoulder about nothing and then….I gave myself a deadline to ‘get happy’. err, correction- she gave me a deadline, or she was going to make a therapy appointment for me.
By telling her that I was depressed, I had just made myself accountable to someone (outside of my mister). She would check in on me and she promised that she’d make the call to the therapist if I didn’t. What a blessing! I didn’t even realize how God was working but I know he orchestrated this so that I’d get healthy again. Now that my depression was out there, I couldn’t hide it.
I think it took about 3 more months before the sun started to regularly shine. But it did shine . I didn’t take medication but I did start to care about myself and life once again.
What worked for me
- having someone to keep me accountable and check-in on me
- praying more and praying specifically for healing
- setting routines (like showering and dressing nicely- if you’re clean and well dressed you really do feel better)
- talking with my Mister- often- about my emotional well being
Miscarriages happen for many known and unknown reasons. In my case, my first was unknown, my second was a genetic but non hereditary chromosomal abnormality. Progesterone (hormonal) imbalance), diabetes, thyroid, blood clotting issues like MTHFR and other health concerns can cause first trimester loss (many of these can be treated to help reduce miscarriage). I’m not a medical expert but I will encourage you to seek testing if you’ve experienced more than one miscarriage.
Thanks for making it to the blog today. I share about my story once a week.Please return next week for the continuation of my infertility story. You can start from the beginning of the story by clicking here or going to the tab at the top titled Infertility Story.
If you know someone who is suffering from miscarriage grief or depression (or postpartum depression) please know that you can be an invaluable help to them during this sad season of their life. Start the conversation today and see how you can help them heal.